It's not about weight loss

Today is day 31 and I have successfully completed my Whole30. Hoorah!

I shan't go into detail about the programme, if you don't know what it is, please refer to my halfway point blog here.

The main thing that I've noticed is that no matter how many times you try to explain why you're doing it - it's about resetting your metabolism, cleaning down your system so that when you reintroduce food groups afterwards, you have a clear idea of their effect. It's about examining your relationship with food to better understand why you eat the things you do (addiction, habit) - most people just want to know.....

How much weight have you lost? 

So you try to explain that it's not about weight loss.  It's about resetting your metabolism, cleaning down your system so that when you reintroduce food groups afterwards, you have a clear idea of their effect. It's about examining your relationship with food to better understand why you eat the things you do. Blah blah blah. And they smile and nod and then tell you that you look great, like you've lost a lot of weight. Which is great, it really is. But it is not the point.

So this morning, when I had this conversation with my colleague:

Colleague: "So are you going to go wild in the aisles for dinner tomorrow night?"

Me: "Errrm no. That would have made the last 30 days a bit pointles, wouldn't it."

C: "Would it? Why's that?"

M: "Because the whole idea is to clean your system and then slowly reintroduce foods one by one to see the effect they have on you"

C: "Oh. I thought it was going to be a 'school's out' kind of situation"

M: "No"

C: "Oh."

Me: *quietly goes to ladies loo to BANG MY HEAD AGAINST THE WALL*

I wanted to scream.

As a society, we're so obsessed with that number on the scale. On how we look. On what dress size we can squeeze ourselves into.  And really none of that matters a crap.

Which is why I love the friends who have asked me "How do you feel?". Because that's the point.  

And how do I feel?  I feel great.  I didn't really notice that I didn't feel great before, because when you feel that low-level-just-meh all the time, you get used to it.  It's being in the monkey house and not realising that it smells like poo. But you learn it on days 2-4, when you have a killer headache as you experience the caffeine and sugar come down. You realise how powerful those substances are when they leave your body and they are not going to go quietly. They are going to rage, rage against the dying of the light.

You notice it when you have a moment of panic on day 28 about what you might find yourself eating on days 31+ when you "can eat whatever you want" and then have a moment of epiphany when you realise that you could have eaten anything you wanted for the entirety of the Whole30, you've not been locked in a prison cell.  You have simply chosen not to. Doesn't that feel great? To take back control and realise that you can have a packet of crisps, if you want. It doesn't mean you have to feel bad about it, or subsequently eat an entire multipack. You can have a bit of chocolate, if you want to. I bought a slab of this to celebrate the end of my Whole30, chopped it into small sections, had one piece and shared the rest with my colleagues. One piece was enough. What a revelation.

Would I recommend doing Whole30? Well generally I hate to evangelise about things.  I get so annoyed when people who say things like "Have you seen Blah blah film? No?! You have to!". Actually, no I don't have to and I probably won't, so please shut up. So I won't tell you to do it.  I'll just tell you that in doing this, I have taken the first steps to changing my life for the better. The past 30 days have taught me a huge amount, about the food that I eat, about the person that I am.

And if you're the one sat there thinking "It just sounds so hard!", I'll leave you with this from the Whole30 website:

It is not hard. Don’t you dare tell us this is hard. Beating cancer is hard. Birthing a baby is hard. Losing a parent is hard. Drinking your coffee black. Is. Not. Hard. You’ve done harder things than this, and you have no excuse not to complete the program as written. It’s only thirty days, and it’s for the most important health cause on earth – the only physical body you will ever have in this lifetime.

A New Approach

Yesterday, I decided to write a to be list for 2014 rather than a to do list.  Why? Because it occurred to me that sometimes we get too focused on the things that we do (or could do, or should do), rather than thinking about the things that we are, or want to be.  Or at least I know I do.  I think "oh blow it, I eat too much", but I rarely think about the fact that I'm generally quite kind.

So I'm not making the usual resolutions.  For a start, they have never worked for me.  I've never been any happier as a result of making them, or slimmer, or more well-rounded intellectually.  So I'm not doing it. 

Here's what I am doing.  I'm chucking away the bathroom scales.  I saw this on Twitter the other day.

And it's true.  So I weighed myself today and that will be the last time that I weigh myself until 1st January 2015. During the year in between I'm going to worry less about what I weigh, do things that make me happy and we'll see what happens.  Doesn't that sound fun?

In other news, Murdoch turned nine recently, which was very exciting.  He celebrated by burrowing his way under my duvet and farting excessively.

Happy New Year everyone!

Twelve of 2012: Part II

Well howdy folks. I hope you've been enjoying the festive period.  This little bit between Christmas and New Year is a little odd, isn't it?  I don't usually take the time off work, but this year I did and have very much enjoyed an extended break.  I've tidied up my living room and it looks so much nicer.  Now I just need to do the same in my bedroom and it'll all be marvellous.

Tidy and lovely

In other exciting domestic news, I ordered a new washing machine earlier today and I just finished a bag of clementines that didn't have a single duff one (unless you count the obligatory one that goes white and fluffy three days before the rest), so I'm feeling very much like I'm on top of things. Whoop. 

Anyway, enough of my domestic nonsense, I know that what you're all really waiting for is.... the next instalment of my exciting Twelve in 2012 series!  Unfortunately, as predicted, I'm bored with this thing already. It appears that I have the attention span of a gnat.  So I'm going to zip through the second half of my list in double time, before I fall asleep from the effort of it all.  So here goes.

7.  Friends.  I'm lucky to have some brilliant people in my life.  This year I've spent time with friends old and new, running, eating, walking, drinking wine, wedding attending.  Some of the people who have brought me the most joy and amusement have been those I've met on Twitter.  Some of them I have since met in real life (such as @claz0r, @leestuartevans & @gutnahofski) and some I haven't (such as @msmac, @lilbeeloo67, @trevb1 & @lellymo) but all of them have enriched my life, if only with a little bit of banter now and then. I was also really happy to meet up with some old friends, particularly Pam & Chris all the way from Calgary and Sarah, who was visiting the UK from Japan.  We watched the Paralympic marathons together and had a great time.

Thanks friends, you are all brilliant. 

8.  Family.  See above re brilliant people in my life.  My family are the best of those.  This year we went on our first family holiday for years and it was a blast.  But I think the best family thing this year has been spending time with my niece.  She'll be two in March and throughout this year she has grown into a real person, with such a wonderful personality.  And she's as cute as a kitten to boot.

9.  Murdoch.  Always Murdoch.  He's going to be in my annual highlights every single year that we spend together.  I love that little guy.  If anyone doesn't know why he's so important to me and why I love him so, then please feel free to read this.

10. Good stuff on TV.  This may seem a little inane, but there's been some great stuff on TV this year.  Obviously the 'lympics, but other stuff too.  This year, I've really enjoyed watching Fringe.  It's the final season and one of few shows that I'll really miss when it's gone.  Not only does it star Joshua Jackson (OMG, it's Pacey from Dawson's Creek, investigating weird and creepy shit!) but it has by far the best character that I've seen on TV for a long time.  Walter Bishop (played beautifully by John Noble) is complex, layered, tragic and wonderful.  I love him.  If you haven't seen this show, go watch it, from the start.  If Pacey from Dawson's Creek does X Files is not enough of a draw, then you should know that it was created by JJ Abrams.  Go watch it.  Other stuff that I've enjoyed are Don't Trust the B---- in Apartment 23 (James Van Der Beek properly taking the piss out of himself - VERY funny.  Am I going back to a Dawson's Creek obsession? Maybe.  But JVBD has really grown into his forehead since the Creek and clearly has a good sense of humour).  I was also really surprised to enjoy Elementary which I thought was going to be a giant heap of crap.  Keep reminding yourself that it's not Sherlock and then let yourself enjoy Jonny Lee Miller making a pretty good job of it. 

11 & 12. Learning Pilates, starting to run again and losing a bit of weight.  These last couple of things go hand in hand.  It was at the end of December last year that I was allowed to start running again after five months on the injury bench.  I started to build up very slowly and carefully - possibly a bit over cautious, but there it is. I was able to complete the Great South Run at the end of October, only two seconds slower than my PB.  While I was building up my running strength, I did a Pilates course in February and haven't looked back.  I love Pilates and feel immeasurably stronger in my core muscles than I did before.  Over the course of 2012, I've lost 21lb in weight and I think it looks like more, thanks to the Pilates, I'm holding myself better.  I still have plenty of weight to lose and will continue to work on that throughout 2013, but my first goal for next year is to train for and complete the Brighton marathon, something that did not seem likely this time last year.

And that's your lot.  Sorry that it's a bit hurried and slapdash, but at least it's done.

Wishing you all a very happy new year - I hope that you achieve everything that you hope for in 2013.

Temptation

As we head into the last couple of days of Lent, I am struck by an almost overwhelming urge to blow it all and eat some crisps.  Or some chocolate. Not sweets, don't seem fussed by them.  Isn't that astonishing?  Having gone forty three days without those things, with a minimum of fuss except for a very occasional inner tantrum, I'm almost itching with the need to eat them.  Is it because finishing line is in sight?  I think it is.  

When I ran the Berlin Marathon, I knew that the course finished just a little bit past the Brandenburg Gate.  You run through it and then it's only a couple of hundred metres to the finishing line.  So there I was, having run about 23 miles, when I see the Brandenburg Gate.  WHOOP.  But it's still about 3 miles away.  So I keep running, but the bloody Brandenburg Gate doesn't seem to be getting any closer.  All of a sudden, it's not so much about finishing the race, and it's just about getting to the bloody Gate.  I got there, of course, but it seemed to take FOREVER.  That's what the last couple of days have felt like.  I can see the Gate, but I just can't seem to reach it.  So I'm just focusing on the fact that I will get to that finishing line.  I will get there.  And there will be a packet of Walkers Ready Salted there waiting for me.  Nom.

An Update

Wowzers.  Yet another blog post where I start by wondering where the time has flown since I wrote the last one.  It's been over a month since I wrote and I'm not really sure what I've been up to in that time. Hmmm.  Life, I suppose.  So here is a taster of what I've been up to.

One of the key things that has caught my interest recently is Pilates.  I signed up for a beginners course at Charterhouse Club where I have a swimming membership and it took a while to get to the top of the waiting list.  Seems as though it's quite a popular thing to do in these here parts.  I really wasn't sure whether I was going to like it.  My sister used to do it, but I always secretly thought it was a bit.... hippyish.  And I'm not really into navel gazing if I'm honest.  But I felt that I needed to strengthen my core and I thought I may as well give it a go.  Guess what? I LOVE it.  It's really great for taking back control of yourself and I've left each session feeling wonderful.  And then the next day I feel a bit ropey because my muscles are singing.  I'm definitely continuing with this and have already done a class since the course is finished.

I've had a birthday as well - I'm now a grand old lady at 34 years of age.  I now feel perfectly justified in listening to Radio 2 (and Radio 3) (and Radio 4) and tutting loudly when the youngsters at the office talk about their weekend shenanigans.  Soon I expect that I shall start muttering about how everything was different when I was a lass, when all of this was fields you know.  Very much looking forward to that.

In other birthday related news, I had an epic failure when attempting to put together one of my presents.  I had asked for a shoe cabinet to store my shoes in (obviously) and my parents very kindly bought one for me. Bless them.  Now I'm usually the queen of flatpack furniture, but this was beyond me.  I followed the instructions to the letter, but for some reason the top drawer would not open and close smoothly. On the verge of clubbing the damn thing to death with a hammer, I decided that there was only one thing to do and I rang my dad.  A few days later I came home from work to discover an empty space where the cabinet had spent the past few days mocking me from the corner of the living room.  I'm hopeful that at some point the cabinet will be returned to me in full working order.  Either that or Dad will use his superior manly strength to more efficiently club it death with a hammer.

I guess the last bit of news should be about the things that I had given up for Lent.  Well I'm happy to confirm that I have not eaten any crisps or savoury snacks.  Nor have I eaten any chocolate or sweets.  I have however given in and had some fizzy drinks.  Well you can't do everything at once, and I've reduced my intake on those.  The great news is that I've dropped about 10lbs over the past forty-whatever days without significantly increasing my activity levels, so I feel that this has been an enormous success.  I am looking forward to eating these foods on Sunday (crisps in particular), but now that I've broken the habit of eating them so much, I'm going to sensibly reintroduce them as part of a more balanced diet, rather than filling my bath with crisps, rolling around in them for a bit and then eating them all, which was the original plan.

But before I eat any of those things on Sunday, I will earn them by doing a little run to support these guys.  I think what they are doing is great and I may even tell you exactly why at some point.

That's enough for now - hope you are all well x

Baby Steps

I've been trying to pull my thoughts together for this post for a while and it's been a real struggle.  Partly because I'm wrestling with the guilt that comes with marking your line in the sand and then completely failing to jump over it, but also because I'm failing to put my finger on the precise reasons why I'm failing so spectacularly.   Fail fail fail. Epic fail.  So I'm going to get straight to the point.  Deep breath and dive in.

For the past couple of months, I've been eating whatever I want with glorious, gleeful abandon.  Crisps and sweets and chocolate and everything in between.  Except that you come to realise that what you're really doing is desperately cramming food in your mouth, trying to.... I'm not sure really.  Trying to avoid dealing with emotion?  Trying to keep myself safe in my cocoon of fat so I don't have to try?  Trying to committ a slow drawn out suicide by coating my arteries with a cheese flavoured layer of sludge? All sounds a bit melodramatic, doesn't it, but bear with me, this train of thought may be on the verge of pulling into a station.

There are any number of reasons excuses for the way I've been eating.  I could write a giant boo hoo poor me blog post about how hard it is to be me.  Except, really it isn't.  I've strolled my way through life, always taking the path of least resistance, rarely feeling really strongly passionate about anything.  Please don't misunderstand, I love my friends and family but sometimes I realise that days or weeks have gone past without me speaking to them and I hadn't really noticed, like the time had just folded from one spot to another.  Most of the time I feel disconnected to the point that I now have to make a concerted effort to accept invitations to go places.  My first instinct is always, without exception, to decline.  Even if it's to see people that I love or to do something fun.  I'm not sure why it should be this way, but it is.

So sometimes it all seems a bit pointless and of course the easiest thing to do is not to try and make it all mean something, but to drown it all in a sea of crisps and other assorted snack foods.  As a result, I've actually put on weight since I last posted. Oh the shame of it.

I can't think of the bigger picture at the moment because it's making me freak out and dive for the crisps, so for now I'm settling for making better decisions for myself, one at a time.  So for example, today I decided not to go out to the snack van and buy crisps. And I didn't do it.  I know that I'll need to deal with my wider issues at some point.  But right now I'm taking baby steps in an effort to head in the right direction, because I figured out that it's not about big declarations and goal setting, it's about the thousands of little choices that we make every single day. I think that's progress of sorts.

I think we're at that station now, please feel free to get off.  Sorry that this post is a bit of a downer.  I hope you had a chuckle at my last one to make up for it.

Happiness

When Murdoch and I started on our latest adventure in dog training, my biggest hope was that we would be able to get Murdoch walking calmly on a lead without lunging to attack other dogs while we were out and about.  However within a matter of days Murdoch had progressed from lead, through long line to being off lead with a muzzle on.  We'd already exceeded my expectations and I thought we'd reached the limit of what we'd be able to do.  And I was so proud of my boy.  I can't describe the happiness that I felt every time I saw his fat little staffie bottom running away from me with his tail in the air, making his crazy little noises as he ran about with the other dogs.  

The one downside was that I couldn't see his staffie smile as he ran back to me; it was covered by a muzzle.  And he just couldn't let that muzzle be, he was dragging his face along the ground, using branches to try and hook it off, nuzzling his face against peoples' legs (bruising them in the process - you should see the state my calfs were in!).  It was starting to damage his face, which had constant red marks where he had rubbed the muzzle, desperately trying to get it off. 

Last week, as we neared the end of our Friday morning walk at the Dog House, G suggested that I take Murdoch's muzzle off so that we could see how he reacted.  I nervously agreed and my boy did not let me down, he was just great.  Veered a little close to his arch nemesis Nico a couple of times, but was corrected and didn't do anything stupid.  He then did the remainder of his walks that day without his muzzle and was the very model of a well behaved dog.  Had a good chat on Friday evening and G made it clear that I couldn't use the muzzle any more, otherwise I risked setting Murdoch back.  

I'm not going to lie.  This makes me nervous. Murdoch's behaviour is still a bit of a worry to me; he behaves much better at the Dog House than he does out and about alone with me.  This is because I get nervous and he feeds off that energy, so I need to build some confidence to make sure that we continue to succeed.  To help me get started with this, I spent quite a lot of time with the Dog House guys over the weekend, walking Murdoch without his muzzle, both in the usual walking location and in a couple of new places.  On Saturday afternoon we did a walk at Blackheath near Wonersh.  This is a regular walk, but it was our first time there.  I knew some of the people, but most of the people were new to me, so Murdoch didn't know their dogs either.  At the end of the walk, G confiscated the muzzle.  I am not allowed to have it any more.  I don't need it.

We also did a Sunday morning walk at Ockham Common which we've done before.  This walk is very German Shepherd heavy and Murdoch had issues with this breed after his run in with Nico so I thought it would be a pretty good test of his behaviour.  On both walks he was a perfect gentleman and had a great recall too.

This morning I did my first solo walk without the muzzle.  I took Murdoch to one of our local haunts in Farncombe which is part of the Surrey Wildlife Trust's McAlmont Reserves.  It's a mix of fields and woodland and we usually encounter other dogs there.  Today was no exception.  And when he saw a dog ahead of us, Murdoch did his usual full pelt hurtle towards it.  I didn't much like this, as by this time we were at the corner of a field and I couldn't see what was going on.  So I really don't know what happened, but when I called Murdoch in, he came back to me and the other dog walker waved at me as I entered the next field, so Murdoch clearly hadn't tried to eat his dog!  We encountered another staffie as we headed back towards home and Murdoch again went hurtling off.  Both Murdoch and the other staffie came running back to me and she jumped up a bit which made Murdoch a little hackly and growly.  Instead of correcting him, I grabbed his collar and guided him away from the dog.  That wasn't the right thing to do, but I didn't panic and I'm learning on the job here, so bear with!

I can't adequately explain how happy all of this makes me.  I never thought that we'd be able to achieve this and while I'm still a little bit nervous, we're just going to keep at it and take each situation as it comes.  Life is good.

Also, today is weigh in day.  Over the past two weeks I've managed to drop 3.5lb.  Huzzah!  This is very good news, especially with my holiday less than two weeks away (GAAHHH IMPENDING HOLIDAY WEIGHT LOSS PANIC SPIRAL OF DOOM!).  I have bought a new bikini, but I don't look very nice in it - too much podge and not much I can do about it in the time available.  But it doesn't really matter.  I'll do what I can in the next two weeks and then I'm going to go and enjoy my holiday, which I've been looking forward to for ages.

Comme Ci, Comme Ça

Went to physio again on Monday morning and despite a great deal of stretching throughout the past week, my calf extension has not increased one bit on either leg.  Curses! I swear the more I stretch them, the tighter they get.  Am hoping that it is a "it gets worse before it gets better" type scenario otherwise I'll be on crutches by the weekend*

I tentatively asked her whether it would be possible for me to do the Hever Castle triathlon at the end of September.  She said no.  I winced and asked her whether I might, possibly, be able to do the Great South Run (10 miles) at the end of October.  She said hell no.  Curses!  I'm now starting to wonder whether I'll be able to do the London Marathon next year (assuming that I even get a place).  I shall worry about that if I get lucky in the ballot.

She did however give me the go ahead to start using the cross trainer again, so on Monday lunchtime I headed to the gym and did 25 minutes on it, followed by some strengthening exercises that the physio gave me, followed by yet more stretching.  And yesterday morning I woke up with even tighter calf muscles than ever before. WHHHHYYYYYYY?!

I also woke up feeling very pissed off.  At 4am.  I can't remember exactly what I was dreaming about, but whatever it was, I was quite incredibly cross about it.  Then I slept through my alarm and had to choose between washing my hair and walking the dog.  I dragged the somewhat ungrateful mutt around the block and got ready for work.  Got into the car and the leaky sunroof pissed rain water all over my head.  At that point felt glad that I had not chosen to do my hair.  Got to work and my drink bottle exploded all over my desk. WHY GOD? WHHHHHHHHYYYYY?!  To make matters even worse, I felt quite ropey all day yesterday - I've had a cold floating around me for ages and I can't quite seem to get rid of it.  Yesterday started with a sore throat and by the time I went home it had progressed to a sinus throbbing stinker of a head cold.  Yesterday was not a good day, cheered up only by rereading this old blog post which made me cry actual tears of laughter.

And yet today I feel pretty much back to normal again in terms of the cold, although throat is still a little scratchy.  Don't know what that's about.  I took Murdoch to the Dog House for our morning walk and as we walked to meet the rest of the pack, the unthinkable happened.  As we reached the edge of the field, Murdoch caught sight of a deer and he was off!  Full pelt!  I've never seen him chase something like that before, usually he sees a rabbit, goes after it a bit halfheartedly, loses sight of it and gives up.  Meh.  But this time he was hot on the trail and determined to get that deer.  Hot pursuit Flash!  Not entirely sure what he would have done with it, bemuzzled as he was, but after a few minutes of crashing through the woods, he emerged, looking quite pleased with himself.  Naughty boy had to go straight on the lead. That'll learn him**  

I meant to go straight to the swimming pool for a quick pre-work swim, but forgot my wallet and once I'd gone home to retrieve it, I didn't have enough time.  Might go after work instead.  In any event I went to the gym at lunchtime again but had even less time than usual to workout because of an illtimed callback from my pet insurance company.  Useless bastards couldn't process a claim properly if lives depended on it.  Christ, sometimes they probably do depend on it. Awful.  Anyway, I did 20 mins on the bike and then stretched out my calf muscles.  They feel much looser now; long may that continue.  

You may notice the renewed enthusiasm for exercise.  This is partly because I really needed to get on track and partly a panicked reaction to the fact that my holiday in Madeira is actually a week earlier than I had thought.  So it's now only 3 weeks away.  I am therefore involved in a frantic "Jeeeeeeeeeeezuz I've got to fit my giant ass into a bikini soon" desperate spiral of DOOM.  Well I may not be able to make myself a size ten in the time available, but I can sure as heck drop a few pounds between now and then so I don't frighten the other tourists ("Looooook mummy a beached whale" "Don't be unkind sweetie, that's just a giant fat lady").

*Possibly exaggerated for comic effect

** It won't

*WARNING* Boring blog post

I've sat and stared at this blog post since Tuesday and have been unable to think of a single thing to say to make it less boring. So here it is. Sorry.

It's been two weeks since I last posted and quite a bit has happened in that time (both personally and in the world generally!). I guess the biggest personal news is that I have now returned to work for the company that I left five months or so ago. I was in a really frustrating situation with the new job - I'm not sure that they were ready for someone in my role just yet - so when my old company contacted me and asked if I'd like to come back, I was really happy to do it! I've had a bit of a promotion and given that the company has been bought and is now part of a wider group, there is more room for advancement, which was my only real gripe with the company in the first place.  I'm sad that I won't be seeing some of the lovely new people I met on a daily basis anymore, but this is the right move for me. 

It's been quite a stressful time and as a result the diet went completely off the rails. In all honesty, I've not been giving it the focus that it deserves since I got started. Frankly I've had much bigger things to worry about. Now that I feel so much happier and more settled it's time to get the rest of my life in order!

I weighed in on Tuesday at 13st 0lb. It doesn't take a maths genius to work out that I gained 3lb over the past couple of weeks and that I'm now almost back to where I started.

But this is a fresh start and I'm going to give this some welly. In addition to more focus, I also have more time again now that I'm not commuting to London every day. The downside is that I am officially not allowed to run at the moment. Have had two sessions with a physio and I'm not currently allowed to do any weightbearing exercise, including things like the crosstrainer at the gym. My problem is that I have very poor range of movement in my calf muscles - they are very tight. Apparently the usual range is 10 - 20cm and I had 6cm in my left leg (the one with the ouchy heel) and 8.5cm in the right. Oops. So for now it's only gentle walking, swimming and cycling, core work at the gym & many, many calf stretches for me. I'm also going to try and fit in a body balance class - that should help with the stretching.

I feel like such a heel

Goodness me, where does the time go, doesn't it fly when you're having fun etc etc.  Two weeks have positively zipped by and yesterday was the big day - the fortnightly weigh in.  So how did I do?  Well I am now down to 12st11lb which means I've lost just over 4lb in the past four weeks. Overall I'm happy with this - 1lb a week is fairly steady measured weight loss, but really I wanted a bit more of a kick start to the process.  I don't see any reason why I can't lose 1.5 - 2lb per week, at least at first while I still have quite a bit to lose.

The past week has been a bit difficult in terms of exercise.  As I mentioned in last Monday's post, I had got a touch of plantar fasciitis following the sprint training / long(ish) run combo I did at the weekend.  This meant that I did not exercise at all last week, until Saturday when all felt ok again and I decided to head to the track.  We were doing 2 sets of 8 x 200m - to be run at around the mile pace that we're aiming for.  My aim was 60secs, but I was comfortably and consistently coming in at 50 - 52secs, so I was feeling really pleased with my performance and despite a bit of heaviness on my chest (more on that later), I was feeling strong for the entire first set.  The heel was niggling a little, but nothing that concerned me until I started the second set and had to give up after 3 reps.  The heel was really complaining now and given that I was down to run in a league 10k race the following morning, I decided that discretion was the better part of valour and called it a day.

Woke up on Sunday morning.  Got out of bed.  Fell back onto bed yelping.  OOOOOOOOOOUUUUUCCCCCHH! Serious amounts of pain when I put any weight on my left foot.  Much hissing, swearing and hopping about the flat later, I realise that I'm out of the 10k for that morning.  Boo.  I then spent the rest of the day sunbathing *ahem* keeping the weight off my foot and rolling it on a frozen water bottle as recommended by my good friend Andy.  Thanks mate, it really helped and by the end of the day, the foot was comfortable enough to take Murdoch for a decent walk.  

On Monday I already had an appointment scheduled at the doctors' surgery, so mentioned my heel.  The doc looked at me as though I was an idiot for having run on it (has she never met a runner before? Surely we're FAMED for running when we probably shouldn't?!) and told me to ice, stretch and most importantly REST the foot.  So no weight bearing exercise for me for the next week or so and longer term I'm looking at some physio - I found out that I'm covered for it under my Dad's private health insurance, which means no NHS wait list for me - phew!

So I now need to think about how I'm going to exercise if I can't run.  Usually my best time for exercising is a fairly intense 30min session in the gym at lunchtime.  I usually go and pound out some swift intervals on tbe treadmill or sometimes just a plain old simple run.  So if anyone has some suggestions on half hour gym sessions that I can do which do not involve any weight bearing stuff, I'd love to hear them.  I guess I could do some interval stuff on the bike / cross trainer?  And it's probably time that I started doing some core work too.  So I'm trying to look at this as a positive thing that's going to expand my exercise repertoire, rather than something that is imposing limits on me.

On Monday evening I went to the pool and did 70 laps, felt pretty good, but then yesterday morning I woke up feeling pretty terrible.  Everytime I stood up, I got really dizzy and felt all congested and tired and horrible - really difficult to breathe,  Spent most of the day lying in bed doing intervals of feeling sorry for myself mixed with some intensive rest periods (Zzzzzzz).  

I had a really weird dream late morning.  I dreamed that Murdoch was not a real dog, but a sad tattered soft toy that I dragged around everywhere with me.  Everyone humoured me because I was a mad person and to me he was a real dog.  So I'd look down and see my little waggy tailed piglet, but to everyone else he was just a soft toy.  I woke up in a bit of a panic and had to run (oops stop slow down dizzyhead) and check out the situation.  Murdoch is definitely real (and didn't appreciate being woken up so I could check). Or, if he's not real, then I'm still crazy and I'd appreciate it if you could leave me to it :)

Self criticism

Here's my thought for the day. Throughout the many and varied conversations I've had recently on the topic of being fat, a lot of people have said that I'm being too hard on myself.  This is probably true.  I'm not morbidly obese, nor do I have (so far as I am aware) any scary obesity related diseases.  In fact all I'm really suffering from is poor self image and a bit too much lard around my stomach, hips and thighs.  

The other morning I walked along Moorgate on the way to work and decided to be as critical of all the people I passed in the street as I am of myself (in my head, of course, I didn't want to get stabbed or somesuch).  My interior monologue went a little bit like this:

Spotty

Fat

Faaaarrrr too old to be wearing that skirt

Terrible skin

Dear God woman have you never heard of Frizz Eaze?

Greasy hair

Horrible ill fitting suit

Overdid it on the make up this morning, didn't we dear?

Please, please, please put your boobs away

etc

etc

etc

And you know what?  I felt like an utter bitch for even thinking those things.  It feels horrible to be that bitchy towards other people, yet oddly we find it perfectly acceptable to be that awful to ourselves.  We probably could all do with having a bit of a think about that one.

Anyway, I had a lovely weekend starting with a spa day on Friday with my mum and sister.  Me & mum had a serrail treatment which consisted of coating ourselves in mud and then sitting in a steam room for a bit.  Then the "rainforest shower" started and hosed all the mud off.  Very good fun.  We spent most of the day lounging around the spa and I pretty much dozed off until my sister pinched my nose to stop me snoring.  Oooppppssss.

On Saturday morning I grabbed B and headed to the track to do some sprint training with my running club.  This is to work towards the Marathon Talk Magic Mile Challenge.  We did a couple of laps of the field to warm up (much needed as the rain was torrential) and then did  6 x 2 minute reps.  The aim was to hit our mile pace (for me this was 30secs per 100m) and remain consistent throughout all reps.  We managed this well, so I'm pleased with that.  We then had 6 x 200m reps, but we had to leave after two as we had to get back to Godalming.

Sunday morning saw me get up and out early to walk Murdoch before heading to Grayshott for another running club session.  They've just started organising a monthly social Sunday run - to start and finish at a pub.  I did a very rainy 5.5 miles around Ludshott Common followed by a cup of tea to warm up in the Fox & Pelican.  Very nice.

Unfortunately today I'm suffering from a touch of plantar fasciitis in my left heel, causing me a little discomfort when I get up and start walking, although it eases off a little once I'm up and about.

I think I'm starting to waffle, so all that remains to tell you is that I'm moving to fortnightly weigh ins on professional advice - should even out some of the fluctuations and stop me from getting disheartened.  So I won't be weighing in tomorrow, but will update you all on 26th July.

Better late than never...

Well clearly this post should have gone live on Tuesday directly after my weigh in, but it's been quite a busy week.  Yesterday was Haslemere Border AC's annual race - the Gibbet Hill 10k.  It's quite an epic course, about 6k of steady uphill, followed by a nice freewheel down to the finish.  Here is a picture of our finishers t-shirt (first year we've ever had them - usually just a medal).  I'm posting it firstly because it looks awesome, and secondly because the logo is actually a representation of the course elevation profile.  We'll be there same time next year if you fancy your chances!

So yesterday was crazy busy, marking out the course, sending last minute instructions out to the marshalls, setting up the finish area, dealing with a couple of minor issues during the course of the race.  Phew, was so relieved when it was over.  It was a brilliant event, we had so many positive comments about our marshalls, the medals, t-shirts - not to mention the free cake that we gave out at the end!

Enough of that, I guess the big question is, how did I get on with the weign in on Tuesday.  Oh dear.  Sorry to tell that I put a pound back on.  Oops.  I could make a million excuses, but what it boils down to is that I haven't yet learned not to stuff my face when I'm feeling stressed.  Anyway, sticking with the positives - I'm still down on where I started from and this week has been great - I've hit my calorie targets and have got some great exercise in, so expect to see a loss next Tuesday morning.

The Perception Gap

When I first posted about the F Word earlier this week, I had an astonishing amount of responses from people, but one that really stopped me in my tracks came from my friend J.

"Not sure whether sexes has anything to do with it or whether my friends were all arse holes but I was always being called chunk, fatty etc. I think they call it banter but more like bullying to me! Anyway, family have always said to me, you're a jolly, big man and if you weren't then you wouldn't be you. So how does that inspire me to lose weight? Being told that if I become thin then I'm no longer going to be the person my family love? Oh well, back to the kitchen I go for a comfort snack in the form of wotsits!"

I actually cried when I read that because it made me realise the enormous gap that can exist between what our loved ones are trying to say to us (in this case "Don't listen to those bullies, we love you just as you are because you are AMAZING") and what we actually hear ("Doesn't matter how unhappy you are with your body, you musn't change otherwise we'll stop loving you").  It's a massive, Grand Canyon sized gap between intention and translation and I think it happens a lot.  

I know that in most cases, when people say "Don't be silly, you're not fat", it's not because they are trying to upset, annoy or derail me, it's probably because they are trying to make me stop feeling bad.  The problem with it is that it doesn't work and it's easy to read the subtext "I am not interested in your problem, I'm going to deny that it is happening" behind words that are most likely being said with the kindest of intent.  I still know that I'm overweight in the same way that J knows that he is, denying that there is a problem does not make it go away, we can see the fact of it in the mirror, in our reflection in every shop window that we pass, in the jeans that we don't fit into.

I guess the question becomes, how do you move past it?  Well, I clearly did it by posting on my blog and creating a minor shitstorm.  I honestly didn't see that coming (mainly because I didn't think anyone actually read my ramblings!) but what happened was that I was set on this path and given a healthy shove to get me started along it.  I don't know how J has started to move past the voices in his head.  I suspect that his first steps may have been taken with the support of his very lovely wife, but however it happened, I was really happy and encouraged to see this from him this morning:

got on the scales this morning, the big number has gone down by one. Next milestone within reach! 

Well done buddy, long may it continue.  Oh and if you're reading this, I've got something that I'd like to say to you and it is this.  You are awesome and amazing, one of the kindest and most generous people I've ever had the good fortune to encounter.  This is a true fact and would not change if you were 50 stone or 10 stone.  That is who you are, your body is just where you live.

This is my blog for the day, I'll do a calorie summary as part of tomorrow's blog.  This one had been playing on my mind since I read J's comment and I wanted to get it out there.

The science part

OK, I'm going to blind you all with science now (or possibly just make you fall asleep - up to you - I'm not judging).

For someone of my weight, the daily calorie guideline is approx 2,100 to maintain current weight.  In order to lose a couple of pounds a week, I need to create a calorie deficit of approx 1,000 calories a day.  Some of this will come from reducing my food, while some will come from increasing my activity.

So here's how it went for day one:

Got up, walked the dog, then headed to work. In total I burned 290 calories this morning, just from walking. Whoop!

For breakfast I had uncooked porridge oats, mixed up with a splash of skimmed milk and some Rachel's Organic low fat yoghurt. I love this yogurt, has anyone tried it?  Today I had the elderflower & apple flavour and it is delici0us.  This is a fairly typical breakfast for me (unless I pop into M&S on the way to the office and grab a cinnamon swirl - lovely, but quite a bit more naughty!) and you can always spice it up a bit by adding some fruit to it - raspberries, strawberries, anything really. A friend put me onto this breakfast some time ago and I've never looked back!

Mid morning snack - some edamame followed by a bag of sesame sticks. Case in point - not everything that you can buy from Holland & Barrett is good for you! I do love this snack though, and had a bag of them left in my desk drawer.  I'm not going to beat myself up over the fact that I ate them, I've factored them into my calories for the day.

Om nom nom - edamame

1pm arrived and I headed to the gym for a quick 30 minute lunchtime session.  I went on the crosstrainer and burned 340 calories. Whoop.

When I got back to the office I had a quick spot of lunch.  Today's lunch is not typical.  I usually have a sandwich, a salad or possibly some reheated leftovers. Today I had low fat Brussels paté on some water biscuits. The paté needed eating up, but I have a feeling that this v. light lunch will leave me feeling a bit peckish late afternoon.

4pm. Waaaaaah! I want to eat something! But I'm not actually hungry, so I won't.

I'm going to post this before I leave the office for the day, but I'll let you know that for dinner I'm having one of my favourites.  It's essentially spaghetti bolognese but instead of pasta, I have bulgar wheat.  I call it Beefy Bulgar and I made a big batch of it for dinner yesterday, so now have another three portions to work my way through for the remainder of the week.  If anyone ever wants a recipe for the things I mention here, just say the word and I'll post it.

Daily summary:
Calories eaten: 1,500
Calories burned: 630
Calorie deficit: 1,230

Quote of the day - from Kim Peek - the real guy that the film Rain Man was loosely based on:
"Learn to recognise differences in others and treat them like you would want them to treat you.  It will make this a better world to live in. Care and share and do your best. You don't have to be handicapped to be different - everybody is."

The Start

Soooooo. I weighed myself this morning and tipped the scales at 13st 1 1/4lb (yes, my scales measure quarter pounds - may use them to weigh a burger at some point). While this is not good, it's important to know where I'm starting from and from here the only way is DOWN.

So here's how it's going to work.  I'm going to weigh myself every Tuesday morning and will record the results here. I'm not going to provide exhaustive lists of everything that I've eaten.  That shit gets boring reeeeeaaal quick.  That said, I will at least initially note down my food - you'll soon see that I eat about the same five things over and over again, anyone else do that? :)

I have an app on my phone that I'll use to log my food - I've decided to take a simple calories in / calories out approach - no forbidden foods, no food groups excluded.  I want this to be simple and most importantly sustainable long term.  I also need to increase my activity levels - despite general perceptions I don't actually spend all of my time running / swimming / single handedly saving the rainforest.

In addition to the weekly weigh in, I'm going to measure myself when I get home this evening (as suggested by Tina) and will update these metrics monthly, so hopefully I should see some progress there even if the pounds aren't coming off as quickly as I'd like.

Which brings me neatly to my goals.  I'm not yet at a place where I know what success looks like - how I will know when I'm finished.  I don't know what my final goal weight should be, other than I have a vague hankering to be a size ten.  I don't know if that is possible (have you seen my hips?!).  So for now, I'm going to set an initial goal of getting down to 12 stone, which I hope to achieve by losing a fairly steady 2lb a week.

Finally I want to thank everyone that took a moment to comment here or on my Facebook or sent me a message.  The outpouring of solidarity and support literally reduced me to tears last night. It's great to have you on board and hopefully we can inspire each other towards our goals (whatever they may be!) along the way.

All comments are welcome and gratefully received.

I'm fat and I want to talk about it.

My last post sparked quite the conversation on Facebook. It is clear that people don't want to risk offending or upsetting their fat friends. It is also clear that there is no such reticence when commenting on the weight of slim people.  It's perfectly ok to comment that someone is too skinny, but if a fat person so much as mentions their weight, it's a cause for panic. Our society is effed up.

Anyway, there is an unexpected side effect to my last post.  I can't believe that I was so clueless that I didn't notice that I was pinning my colours to the mast.  That I was (in a public forum) stating that I am fat and I want to talk about it. So I've been called on it. And have been offered support which I'm going to take.  Starting from tomorrow I'm going to use this blog to chart my progress from fatty to slinky hot babe.  I'm going to weigh myself tomorrow morning and will post that weight here as well as more details of what my goals are and how I plan to achieve them.

I'm not going to post every blog entry on Facebook, so if you want to follow my journey and support me, then I suggest that you follow me here on my blog. There's a button on the right of the page somewhere.

Tonight I'm drawing a line in the sand. It's a start line and tomorrow morning I cross it and start the race. Hope to have you on board for the trip.