I've got the remedy

Recently I have been trying out various cough and cold remedies that people have suggested on Facebook.  Credulous fool that I am I believe everything that I read on social media (ahahaaa not really) and have been giving these things a go. In my defence  I should like to say that I have now been coughing for nearly a month.  It's become very boring and quite frankly if someone could convince me of the benefits of smearing Murdoch's poo behind my knees, I'd be tempted to give it a go.  So there it is.  I'm trying out stuff so you don't have to. YOU'RE WELCOME.

Crystal menth

Big thanks to my lovely friend Suzie B for this tip.  The real name for this magic substance is menthol crystals, but I've decided to call it crystal menth, to make me sound all cool and edgy.  Yep. Instructions on this are quite simple: 

1.  go to the pharmacy and ask the nice lady behind the counter for some menthol crystals. Mine cost me £1.76. Bargain.

2.  go home

3.  put some hot water in a bowl

4.  put in a few of the menthol crystals - you really don't need many

Meeeeennnnnnnnnth

5.  stick a blanket over your head and prepare to be blown away by the strength of the menthol that you're inhaling

6.  pop your head out of the blanket every now and then to blow your nose. It's likely to be streaming

7.  enjoy the sensation of your lungs opening up, making breathing feel easy for the first time in well over a week

8.  notice that the vapours are fading

9.  feel sad

10.  start jonesing for your next hit of crystal menth

11.  is it too soon to have some more?

12.  how about now?

13.  oh god, I want some more meeennnnnttthhhh

14.  go to menth rehab, it has all become too much

Vapour rub on the feet

I can't remember who posted this one.  I was probably floating about in a crystal menth haze at the time.  Aaaaaah menthol goodness.  I digress.  Anyway, the post said that putting vapour rub on the soles of your feet is supposed to be just as effective as putting it on your chest, leaving you free from coughing and therefore providing you with a lovely night's sleep.  I think that this hint was aimed at children, but given that I'm supremely childish, I thought it might work for me too.  Here's how it works:

1.  slather a huge amount of vapour rub all over the soles of both of your feet

2.  put a bit more on, just for good measure

3.  put on your safety socks, especially if you have laminate flooring like I do.  No point slipping and breaking your neck.  Why not choose a nice cheerful pair like these?

Safety socks

4.  go to bed and wait to see if you stop coughing

5.  lie awake, wondering what sort of witchcraft it is that might make the restorative properties of the vapour rub transfer from your feet to your sinuses.

6.  cough.  Wonder whether it's working AT ALL.

7.  cough less as you drift off to sleep

8.  wake up at 1am

9.  wake up again at 3am

10.  wake up when the alarm goes off at 5.55am.  Ponder the fact that you do indeed seem to be coughing a bit less

11.  note that your feet seem quite nice and soft, thanks to the fact that they have spent all night marinating in nicely scented vasoline (mmmmm meeennnnnnth)

12.  start coughing again

So there we have it.  I'm still coughing.  I haven't been for a run for over two weeks.  But I think I'm nearly at the point where I'll be able to run again without coughing up one (or both) of my lungs, so hopefully this weekend I'll be able to hit the trail again.

If anyone has some other cough remedies they'd like me to try, feel free to let me know in the comments below.