Ten Steps to a Nice Clean Dog

I would like to make one thing clear from the start.  My dog is a lovely little chap and quite the looker too.  Any girl dog would be proud to be seen out and about with him, were it not that I'd had his balls snipped off after an unfortunate pissing up the ironing board incident when he was a nipper.  He is, in the usual run of things, mostly brindle with white bits here and there - notably on his face and the end of his tail, which wags along like a little beacon allowing me to see where he is even in the long grass.

So imagine my confusion yesterday when I went to pick up my dog from his lovely daycare types over at the Dog House and was handed over a brown smelly little dog.

Me: Uurgh, Who is this?

DH: It's Murdoch

Me (outraged): It most certainly is not.  Murdoch is a fine specimen of a dog and you are trying to fob me off with a substandard stinker of a mutt.

DH: No really, that's Murdoch

Me (dubious): Really?

DH : [shrug]

At that point I noticed his little white beacon of a tail wagging at me and I was forced to acknowledge, that yes, my lovely soft and furry little buddy had somehow been transformed into a grubby (slightly smelly) mud caked mutt.  Reluctantly, I popped him in the boot of my car and headed for home.

Dog ownership is not glamorous, unless you're a pampered celebrity who has people to do stuff for you.  I've often wondered who empties the chihuahua poo out of Paris Hilton's handbag.  Because that dog is pooing in there for sure.  It has nowhere else to go.  Anyway, most dogs fall into one or several of the following major categories.  You've got your chasers (can't help going after deer, rabbits, birds, bikes, leaves blowing along the ground etc), you've got your yappers, poo munchers, crotch sniffers, face lickers (usually just a nanosecond after you have observed them licking their *ahem* delicate areas) and shoe chewers.  Murdoch however is a mud roller.  He sees a mud puddle and cannot resist rolling around in it like a little furry hippo.  As a result, I had the misfortune yesterday evening of having to clean him up and this is how it went.

Step One: Lure dog into garden.  This is not hard to do - dog is currently clueless about the terrible events about to unfold.

Happily posing next to the bucket, clueless

Step Two: Pick up bucket of water (warm, if you're feeling kind) and throw it at dog

Step Three: Wait patiently as dog runs to end of garden and shakes like fury

Shake it, shake it baby

Step Four: Shampoo dog.  Try not to use too much shampoo (like I did last night) as it makes the following steps much harder

Frothy

Step Five: Rinse dog.  I did this by throwing more buckets of water at the dog so I therefore had to repeat steps two & three quite a few times at this point.

Bedraggled

Step Six: Towel dry dog (who by this point is pathetically grateful that you have stopped throwing water at him and is nuzzling your ankles)

Step Seven: Open back door and allow damp dog back into flat.  Try not to think about the fact that your home is going to smell of damp dog for the foreseeable future.  Order dog into bed

Waaaah! I've had enough! Let me in!

Step Eight: Endure sad and sulky looks from dog as he sits in his bed pondering the fact that he would totally call the RSPCA on you right now, if only he had thumbs and knew how to operate the phone.

I hate you right now

Step Nine: Ponder the fact that this was all an ENORMOUS waste of time and energy as dog is likely to roll around in giant pile of yuck again tomorrow.

Step Ten: Give up on life for the day and go to bed.