Friday, 6 July 2012

A Cad and a Bounder

My story starts a couple of weeks ago.  I was sitting on my sofa at about half past nine on a Friday evening, as I often do, when I heard my letter box clatter.  How odd, even the pizza guys don't normally deliver flyers that late around here.  So I went to see what it was.  

It was a handwritten note which said

[name, which I won't put here] (no 11)
[phone number, which I won't put up here]
ANYTIME (this is actually double underlined, for lots of emphasis)

Well you could have blown me down with a feather.  Although number 11 is directly over the road from me, I honestly had no idea at all who lived there and who this guy was (for the purposes of this post, I'm going to call him Norman, although that is not his name).  So how did he know who I am, to the extent that he'd put a note through my door inviting me to get in touch ANYTIME (double underlined)?  I sent B a text.  She lives a few doors down from me and knows more people around here than I do.  She didn't know who he was either, but thought he might be a plumber (it turns out that he isn't).  

The story now goes quiet for a week, as I dithered about whether to call this guy or not.  On the one hand, he could be a weird stalker type, but on the other hand, he might just be a sweet guy who plucked up the courage to contact a stranger who he saw and thought was cute.  There was also the fact that, while he knew what I look like, I had no idea what he looks like.  My worst case scenario was that he might be a very old man with a Hitler moustache.  And a house full of cats.  Does that make me shallow?  Maybe.  In any case, I'm sure you can see my dilemma.  

Cut to the following Friday night, when I headed round to a friend's house for a few drinks with the girls.  As the wine flowed, my tongue loosened and I was soon telling the girls all about this odd situation.  This led to an animated discussion about what I should do and a frankly hilarious bit of role play where one friend was Norman, another friend was herself (using her GCSE drama skills and a fake moustache) and yet another friend was Norman's front door, as we thought of ways that we could identify who this guy was without me actually having to speak to him (looking for a lost dog being the favourite scenario). As funny as it was, once I sobered up, I realised that there was only one thing to do.

So I dithered a bit more, of course.  Procrastination is my speciality.  Then on Monday morning as I opened the curtains in my front room, I saw a man drive away in a car as a woman on the first floor of number 11 waved him off.  I wasn't sure what to make of that, my first thought was WIFE!, but after a bit of consultation with my friends, I decided not to jump to any conclusions - it could just as easily have been his flatmate or sister - and to just send him a text message.  

So I sent him a short polite text, apologising for not knowing who he was and asking if we'd met.

He replied almost straight away, saying that we'd never met, but that I'd smiled and waved at him.  This was not very helpful to me in identifying this man, because I smile and wave politely to pretty much everyone I encounter, whether on foot or in the car.  I guess it made quite the impression on this occasion.  He also said that putting his number through my door was not the sort of thing he usually did and he didn't know what had come over him.  A couple more texts were exchanged, nothing very exciting - mainly because I was being quite guarded as I was still very much in the dark about who he was and very mindful that he lived over the road from me, making it a potentially awkward situation.

Then he asked me if I was on Facebook and I immediately saw an opportunity to find out a bit more about him  without giving any detail about myself.  So I asked him for his name and told him that I'd look him up.

So I did.  And the first thing that I saw on his public profile was his relationship status......


Good lord.  Stunned.  Absolutely stunned.  You might ask why I was stunned, because there had been a couple of warning signs, but I honestly didn't think that even the most foolish of married men would be stupid enough to mess right on their doorstep!

I immediately sent Norman a text message telling him that according to his Facebook profile, he is married and that I therefore didn't think it was a good idea for him to have put his phone number through my door (duh!).  He replied:

I know, but I did say I dunno why I done it.  Just a spur of the moment!  I see you didn't add me either though!

Errrrrrmm riiiiiiiiiiiight.  So the fact that it was only a spur of the moment decision makes it ok that you decided to put your phone number through the door of the woman who lives directly opposite you and your WIFE?!  And do you really think that there is a possibility that I might still add you on Facebook?!  Not a chance sonny.  I responded immediately:

No - and I won't be either.  Please delete my details from your phone.

And there endeth the tail.  Sort of.  You can only imagine the level of outraged hilarity in the email trail that ensued with my friends.  So there are several things that I have learned from this situation:

1.  There are some really awful and stupid people about.  I can't decide if this guy was super cocky or just really stupid.  In case it's not bad enough to proposition another woman when you're married - to do it to a woman who literally lives in your wife's sight line?  My mind is still blown by that.
2.  There are some really really stupid people about.  What if I'd decided to follow his lead and post a note through his letterbox?  Good luck explaining that to your wife buddy.
3.  My friends are a fantastic bunch of smart, witty, lovely and hilarious women.  I love them and are very grateful to have them.
4.  Aren't some people just awful?

I know that this post may seem to be treating the situation in quite a flippant way, but I would like to stress that I feel just awful for Norman's wife.  I feel so sad that this poor woman that I have never met is married to a man that would behave in this way.  That said, I will not be enlightening her, it's not my place and I'm not going to drop that bomb.  I hope that Norman has learned a lesson from this situation and behaves himself in the future.

My final lesson from this experience is perhaps to be more careful about who I smile at.  My smile is clearly a weapon.  In fact, only yesterday evening as I walked to my car after work, I smiled at a couple of guys walking towards me.  One of them said "You have a nice smile" and I thought "Oh don't you bloody start!" and walked on by.  So I have a new strategy, to only smile at reeeeeeeaaaaaaaally hot guys and hope like heck that they turn out to be single!

I'd be really interested to hear people's thoughts about this situation, please feel free to comment x


  1. What a sleaze-bucket! And the brass neck on him.

    1. I know! I feel just terrible for his wife :(

  2. You could always set Murdoch on him. I bet he takes a dim view of these things x.

  3. Ok..... That's wierd. Us guys can be a bit dumb sometimes, but he sounds like he's super-stupid for trying something like that with no comprehension of the conseqences for all concerned - it would never be a good outcome.

    On the good side, keep smiling - clearly it drives guys crazy, and we are not all stupid.

  4. Goodness me, the cheek of some people. And what a shame for his wife :( Lets hope it was a moment of stupidity and that he will become a reformed character.

  5. Amy, Please keep smiling, at everyone. If just smiling has become a come-on then we are really in trouble. I'd far rather everybody smiled than grumped. And he is deginitely an eejit of the first degree. Good riddance to him.

    Stick to Todd. No trouble there and he won't mind you smiling.

  6. What a foul bloke he is!!! I feel for his wife, been in her position and it's not nice when you find out your partners a lying cheating low life. Good on you for setting him straight, lets hope he learnt a lesson.

    Whatever you do don't stop smiling at people, sometimes a strangers smile is the nicest thing to happen in some peoples day.

    D xxx